Friday, 3 August 2012

La la la, I shitting hate thinking of titles

Oh yeah, this place.

So apparently there's some kind of sports thing going on [read: the Olympics, since they're not going on any more]. I haven't really seen much of it, first of all because it's the holiday season and therefore, for peons of the hospitality industry such as myself, not the holiday season, and secondly because sport doesn't matter, but the couple of bits I did inadvertently catch left me with a thought or two. Also a desolating sense of the pathetic waste of time and opportunity that has been my life, but let's focus on the thoughts.

First, opening ceremony speeches: did anyone else think that there was an almost suspicious level of emphasis on "fair play" and "competitive spirit" every time someone started talking? I mean sure, you ought to play fair, because then I can cheat my heart out and score an easy win over all you schmucks, but it was like every single person there felt the need to reassure the world that they weren't going to leg the nearest competitor down a handy flight of stairs as soon as they were out of camera-shot. I only saw a small bit of the ceremony, but there was a French guy who spoke about how happy he was to be at the games where he hoped to see all the athletes competing IN A COMPLETELY FAIR AND RESPECTFUL WAY WITHOUT USING DRUGS AT ALL, and then one of the athletes stood up and talked about how she was looking forward to the competition where she DEFINITELY WASN'T GOING TO USE DRUGS OR BE A BAD SPORT OR TREAT ANYONE WITH DISRESPECT, and then another one stood up and told everyone that he WASN'T GOING TO MESS WITH DOPING and how he would TREAT EVERYONE WITH THE UTMOST SUGAR-SWEETNESS OH AND DID I MENTION I WOULDN'T BE A BAD SPORT BECAUSE I WONT BE A BAD SPORT BECAUSE BEING A BAD SPORT IS BAD. Why so much focus on the idea that they're going to compete completely normally? I mean, if I was going to babysit, for example, I wouldn't feel the need to explain to the parents that I'm definitely not going to punch their children through the living room window.

Apparently there's also an unusual amount of interest in the 100m sprint. According to television (that most empirical of sources) the favourite contender, Usain Bolt, is basically a god of speed born from the collective potential spawn of a million Sonic the Hedgehog / Rainbow Dash slash fictions, and the only way anyone could ever hope to beat him is if he trips over his own shoelaces at the starting line. There was a good deal of one program devoted to trying to find out why he's just so much better than everyone else, examining his childhood, training methods, personality and tonnes of other things, but for some reason they neglected to mention the obvious deciding factor, which is that his parents gave him possibly the speediest-sounding name it's possible for a child to have. You can't just grow up with a name only a syllable away from "insane bolt" and end up in hotel management. It's like that werewolf guy in Harry Potter who'd probably never have become a werewolf if his parents hadn't basically named him "Wolf McFurryface". While we're on the subject of names, by the way, Bolt's main rival is totally Gay (HAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HIS NAME REALLY IS TYSON GAY)

And as long as I'm grasping for the low-hanging fruit, Christophe Lemaitre, the first white man to run the 100m in less than ten seconds, is being lauded for "breaking the stereotype" that white men can't sprint. Breaking stereotypes? He's French. I would, with a cheerful smile to the bookie, bet every penny of my £23 life savings that there is not a single interviewer in all the world who spoke to Mr. Lemaitre about his achievement without having to squash a little voice in the back of their head going Frenchman good at running Frenchman good at running Frenchman good at running.

Well that was possibly the biggest pile of trite I've ever written. I'm going to bed.